Well I stopped trying. I made this decision like a month ago. I don't understand the dating dynamics. I guess this decision is better for my mental health.
I don't understand why a person like me is lonely and without the prospect of finding anyone. I came to the conclusion that something must be off about me, and in a way I need to accept that the love/dating/hooking up/partners/relationships is absent from me.
I always lived thinking that "someday it will happen" and somehow I kept the scale even, I was naive. As time passed I started to notice that something is not right, something just feels off, and the scale started to shift a bit .. little by little. The dating relationship plate began to empty, step by step, and the "lonely" one a bit heavier.
I don't want to say that "something is wrong with me" that's a cliché. Because I know there's nothing wrong with me. I can't find anything at least. I'm a bit reserved and calm, I can say that, I can admit that, but that's far from being "wrong".
The plate of "relationships" now I feel it's completely empty, and the energy to do something about it, to trying to fill just a bit doesn't exist, depleted. I feel defeated.
Because it's something that's valued to me, I guess that is a big part of what makes us feel human and in some ways "normal", it's affecting in some shape or form the way I carry my daily life. I don't find joy in things that I used to, things feel without meaning, feeling that the world out there outside my home door doesn't have anything meaningful to offer, it's a "what for? Nothing meaningful will come out of it". If I had to give a description of my mood I would say, I'm in a permanent "Monday morning". Even my smile feels forced for crying out loud.
I just felt that I had to write this post. Get my thoughts out there and maybe get some feedback out of it. Not seeking validation.. just a bit of chat, because honestly I don't know what to do from here.
